How Childhood Attachment Wounds Show Up in Adult Relationships

Part of the “Untangling the Ties” Blog Series

In the first post of this series, we talked about self-abandonment—that quiet, sneaky habit of putting your own needs on the back burner to keep the peace or keep people close.

Now, we’re zooming out to ask: Where do these patterns even come from? For a lot of people, the answer lies in something called attachment wounds—the emotional imprints left behind by our earliest relationships.

First, What Do We Mean by “Attachment”?

Attachment theory is basically the study of how humans connect. It looks at the emotional bond between a child and their caregiver and how that shapes the way we relate to others throughout our lives.

When our early needs for safety, comfort, and connection are met consistently, we tend to develop what’s called a secure attachment. This doesn’t mean life was perfect, but it does mean we grew up trusting that people would show up for us, and that we could show up for ourselves.

When those needs weren’t consistently met—maybe because a caregiver was unavailable, unpredictable, overly critical, or even too enmeshed—our attachment system adapted in different ways. And those adaptations, while they once helped us survive, can follow us into adulthood in ways that complicate our relationships.

What Are Attachment Wounds?

An attachment wound happens when there’s a break in the trust, safety, or attunement between a child and their caregiver, especially if that break isn’t repaired. This can include:

• Emotional neglect (“Don’t cry, you’re fine.”)

• Inconsistent care (sometimes warm, sometimes distant)

• Over-involvement or enmeshment (your feelings weren’t yours to have)

• Abandonment (physical or emotional)

• Harsh criticism or rejection

These experiences don’t just live in your memories—they live in your nervous system. And unless they’re explored and healed, they can keep showing up in your adult relationships like an old, familiar script.

The Four Common Attachment Styles

While everyone is unique, attachment theory generally identifies four styles that emerge from our early experiences:

1. Secure Attachment: Comfort with closeness and independence. Trust in self and others.

2. Anxious Attachment: Fear of being abandoned, craving closeness, heightened sensitivity to shifts in connection.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Discomfort with emotional intimacy, tendency to shut down or withdraw when things get close.

4. Disorganized Attachment: A push-pull dynamic: craving closeness but fearing it, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

   
   

How Childhood Attachment Wounds Show Up as an Adult

Here’s the part most people notice: you keep bumping into the same kinds of relational struggles, even with different people.

You might find yourself:

• In romantic relationships: Feeling like you care more than the other person (anxious attachment),or feeling suffocated when someone gets too close (avoidant attachment).

• With family: Slipping into old roles—caretaker, mediator, peacekeeper—even if it drains you.

• At work or in friendships: Avoiding vulnerability for fear of rejection, or overextending yourself to prove your worth.

Sometimes these patterns feel frustrating. Other times, they feel oddly safe, because they’re familiar—even if they hurt.

Why Awareness is the First Step

It’s easy to blame ourselves when relationships keep hitting the same roadblocks. But here’s the truth: you didn’t wake up one day and choose to be “clingy,” “cold,” or “conflicted.” These behaviors were shaped by the way you learned (or didn’t learn) to get your needs met early on.

When we start naming these patterns without shame, it’s like turning on the lights in a room we’ve been stumbling around in for years. Things begin to make sense. We realize: Oh… this isn’t just me being “too much” or “not enough.” This is my attachment system trying to keep me safe.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means creating new experiences, in safe and supportive relationships, that teach your nervous system it’s okay to trust, connect, and express yourself.

This can look like:

• Practicing boundaries (and noticing the fear or guilt that comes up)

• Challenging the stories you tell yourself about your worth and lovability

• Allowing safe people to see your emotions, even the messy ones

• Learning to regulate your nervous system when you feel triggered

• Working with a therapist to reprocess old wounds and build secure attachment from the inside out

A Note of Compassion

If you’re recognizing yourself here, take a deep breath. You’re not doomed to repeat the same relationship patterns forever. Attachment wounds are not life sentences—they’re invitations to heal.

And just like those wounds were shaped in relationship, they can also be healed in relationship—whether that’s with a therapist, a partner, a friend, or even through the relationship you build with yourself.

Let’s Explore This Together

If you’ve been struggling with relationships that feel more exhausting than nourishing, or you’ve noticed patterns that you just can’t seem to break, you don’t have to untangle it alone. I help adults identify and heal attachment wounds so they can show up in relationships feeling grounded, confident, and authentically themselves. 📞 Click HERE to schedule a free 20-minute consultation call to see if therapy might be a supportive next step for you. We’ll talk about what’s been coming up for you, and together, we’ll see how we can begin rewriting your relationship story—starting with the one you have with yourself.

I specialize in helping adults untangle complex relational dynamics, reconnect with themselves, and build more grounded and authentic relationships—with others and with their own inner world. We’ll talk about what you’re experiencing, what you’re hoping for, and how therapy might be a supportive next step.

You don’t have to keep doing this alone. Healing is possible—and you’re allowed to begin.

Learn more about me and my experience on the website, or to schedule a free 20 minute consultation, click this link.