“It Wasn’t You—It Was Them: Healing from Emotionally Immature Parents” How Childhood Emotional Neglect Shapes Adult Relationships—and the Path to Healthier Relationships and A Healthier You
- Tatiana Ellerbe
- May 20
- 3 min read
If you grew up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, self-absorbed, or overly reactive, chances are you've felt the long shadow of that experience in your adult life—whether or not you've connected the dots.
In her groundbreaking book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Lindsay Gibson names what so many of us have experienced but never quite understood: the deep emotional wounds that come from being raised by parents who, despite perhaps meaning well, lacked the emotional maturity to truly connect with, validate, and support us.
What Is Emotional Immaturity in Parents?
Emotionally immature parents often struggle with:
Inconsistency in their responses to your needs
A tendency to make everything about themselves
Difficulty tolerating emotions—especially yours
Shutting down or lashing out under stress
Seeing their children more as extensions of themselves than as separate, whole individuals
These patterns aren't always obvious or dramatic. Sometimes they show up subtly—in a parent's inability to apologize, or in their discomfort with emotional closeness. But the impact runs deep.
How It Shows Up in Adult Life
Many adult children of emotionally immature parents carry forward relational and emotional patterns that affect every corner of life:
1. People Pleasing You may find yourself prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of your own, driven by a deep-seated fear of conflict or rejection. You learned early on that your role was to manage other people’s emotions, often by suppressing your own.
2. Poor Boundaries Without a model for healthy boundaries, it can feel confusing—or even wrong—to say no, assert your needs, or protect your energy. You may either over-accommodate or swing to total disconnection.
3. Relationship Struggles You may be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners or find yourself over-functioning in relationships, trying to “earn” love. Intimacy may feel unsafe or unfamiliar.
4. Low Self-Esteem When your emotional needs weren’t acknowledged growing up, you may have internalized the belief that your feelings were too much—or not enough to matter. This can lead to chronic self-doubt and harsh inner criticism.
So, What Can You Do About It?
The good news is that healing is absolutely possible. While we can’t rewrite the past, we can change the way it lives in our bodies, minds, and relationships. Here's how:
1. Name What Happened One of the most powerful first steps in healing is recognizing that your parent’s emotional limitations were not your fault. When you begin to see the patterns clearly, it becomes easier to release self-blame and start validating your own experience.
2. Build Emotional Awareness Learn to tune into your own emotions and needs without shame. Practice checking in with yourself regularly: What am I feeling? What do I need right now?
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt Boundaries are not walls—they're bridges to healthier relationships. Learning to say no and to take up space is a vital part of reclaiming your life.
4. Seek Support from a Skilled Therapist You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy offers a safe, affirming space to explore your story, release patterns that no longer serve you, and reconnect with your authentic self.
As a therapist who specializes in working with adult children of emotionally immature parents, I understand how lonely and overwhelming this healing journey can feel. I also know the transformation that’s possible when you’re supported with empathy, insight, and tools tailored to your needs. If you're ready to begin the work of unlearning people-pleasing, strengthening your boundaries, and building true self-worth, I’m here to walk with you.
You are not broken. You were shaped. And now, you get to choose how you grow.
Interested in learning more about how I can support your healing? Let’s connect! I am currently accepting individuals and couples who are looking to release blame and guilt, build confidence in expressing their needs and create relationships rooted in respect and emotional safety. I am available virtually Monday through Friday.
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