Self-Abandonment — The Habit You Didn’t Know You Had

Part of the “Untangling the Ties” Blog Series

Let’s talk about something many people do every single day and don’t even realize it: abandoning themselves. That might sound dramatic at first, but hang with me.

Have you ever:

• Said yes to something you really didn’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing someone?

• Bit your tongue to “keep the peace,” even when something didn’t sit right with you?

• Put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own so often that you’re not even sure what your needs are anymore?

  
  

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone and you’re not broken (because people aren't broken). You may simply be stuck in a deeply ingrained pattern known as self-abandonment.

So… What Is Self-Abandonment, Really?

Self-abandonment happens when we consistently ignore, dismiss, or minimize our own emotions, needs, or boundaries, usually in an attempt to feel safe, accepted, or loved. This can look like:

• Suppressing your anger or sadness because “it’s not that big of a deal”

• Making yourself small in relationships so you don’t come across as “too much”

• Taking on the fixer, caretaker, or peacekeeper role at the expense of your own wellbeing

• Feeling uncomfortable with rest, pleasure, or asking for help

We don’t choose these patterns randomly. Often, they develop early in life. If you grew up in a household where emotions weren’t safe, where love felt conditional, or where you had to “earn” approval by being helpful, calm, or invisible—self-abandonment might have become your go-to survival strategy.

Why It’s So Hard to Recognize

Here’s the tricky part: self-abandonment doesn’t always feel bad in the moment. In fact, it can feel like you’re doing the “right” thing.

You might hear yourself say:

• “It’s not worth the fight.”

• “I don’t want to be dramatic.”

• “I’m just being a good partner/friend/person.”

• “I can handle it.”

And often, people around you may praise these traits. You’re “strong.” You’re “easy going.” You’re “so supportive.” But under all of that is often a quiet exhaustion. A growing sense of resentment. Or a confusing mix of anxiety and emptiness that’s hard to name.

That’s the emotional toll of consistently prioritizing everyone else over yourself.

How Self-Abandonment Shows Up in Adult Relationships

Whether it’s with romantic partners, family members, or even at work, self-abandonment can shape how you move through relationships. It can look like:

• Staying in one-sided or emotionally draining relationships because “at least they need me”

• Feeling overwhelmed when someone asks what you want or need

• Avoiding conflict at all costs—even if it means betraying your truth

• Being hyper-aware of others’ moods, needs, or energy while ignoring your own

Over time, this leads to chronic burnout, low self-esteem, and a sense of disconnection—not just from others, but from yourself.

Where Does This Come From? (Hint: It Didn’t Start With You)

Self-abandonment is often a learned response. Maybe you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable, explosive, critical, or simply overwhelmed themselves. Maybe you were praised for being “low maintenance” or punished for expressing big feelings.

In these environments, we learn to survive by becoming hyper-attuned to others and less attuned to ourselves. We trade authenticity for attachment. We disconnect from what we feel in order to maintain connection with others.

It’s not your fault. These patterns likely served a purpose at one time. But as an adult, they may be causing more harm than good.

What Healing Looks Like

The good news? These patterns can shift. Healing from self-abandonment is less about fixing yourself and more about coming back home to who you are.

Here’s what that can look like:

1. Reconnecting with your inner world.

Start by checking in. Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What do I need right now?

• Am I doing this out of choice, or obligation?

Sometimes even just pausing to ask these questions is a huge first step.

2. Learning to sit with discomfort.

When you start showing up for yourself, people may notice... and not always in a good way. You might face guilt, pushback, or fear of rejection. That’s normal. Discomfort is not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s often a sign that you’re doing something new.

3. Practicing tiny acts of self-loyalty.

This could mean setting a boundary, declining a favor, naming a preference, or honoring your “no” without explaining it away. You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Small, consistent shifts are powerful.

4. Working with a therapist.

Therapy can be a space where you don’t have to perform, fix, or please. It’s where you get to explore your patterns with curiosity and compassion, and begin to build a new relationship with yourself, from the inside out.

You Deserve to Take Up Space

I want you to hear this: You are not too much. You are not selfish for having needs. You do not exist solely to keep the peace, absorb the tension, or hold things together for others. You are allowed to be seen. To be held. To be chosen—especially by yourself.

Let’s Take the First Step, Together

If you’re starting to notice the ways self-abandonment is showing up in your life and relationships, and you’re ready to begin unlearning these patterns, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.

I specialize in helping adults untangle complex relational dynamics, reconnect with themselves, and build more grounded and authentic relationships—with others and with their own inner world. 📞 Feel free to reach out to SCHEDULE a complimentary 20-minute consultation call. We’ll talk about what you’re experiencing, what you’re hoping for, and how therapy might be a supportive next step.

You don’t have to keep doing this alone. Healing is possible—and you’re allowed to begin.