The Fear of Being Too Much: Healing from Anxious Attachment

Part of the “Untangling the Ties” Blog Series

If you’ve been following this series, you’ll notice a theme so far: many adults carry old, quiet messages that shape how they show up in relationships. First, we explored self-abandonment. Then, we looked at attachment wounds and how they shape connection. Last time, we talked about the painful belief that you’re “too much.”

Today, we’re going a step deeper into that fear because for many people, it ties directly into something called anxious attachment.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is one of the most common attachment styles that develops when our early experiences with caregivers were inconsistent. Sometimes, love and comfort were available. Other times, they weren’t. This unpredictability creates a nervous system that’s always on high alert: Do they really care about me? Will they leave? Did I do something wrong? As an adult, this can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, and even work dynamics.

Signs You Might Struggle with Anxious Attachment

• You crave closeness but fear it won’t last.

• You overanalyze texts, tone, or small shifts in someone’s behavior.

• You feel panicked or rejected if someone pulls away, gets quiet, or needs space.

• You often worry about being “too needy,” “too emotional,” or “too much.”

• You put a lot of energy into keeping relationships intact, even if it means sidelining your own needs.

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. These behaviors come from a nervous system that once had to work really hard to make sure connection wasn’t lost.

The Hidden Cost of Anxious Attachment

On the surface, anxious attachment is about seeking reassurance. But underneath, it’s about something deeper: a fear of abandonment.

When you’re caught in this pattern, relationships can start to feel like emotional rollercoasters. Highs feel intoxicating, but lows feel devastating. You may find yourself swinging between closeness and panic, sometimes questioning whether love is ever really safe.

The exhausting part? You end up abandoning yourself in the process just to hold on to others.

Healing From Anxious Attachment

Here’s the hopeful part: anxious attachment is not permanent. It’s a pattern, not a personality trait. And with time, awareness, and support, it can shift.

Healing often looks like:

1. Learning to self-soothe. Instead of relying only on others to calm the panic, you build tools to regulate your nervous system through breathwork, grounding exercises, movement, or mindfulness.

2. Challenging the “too much” story. Begin to gently reframe your emotional intensity as a strength, rather than a flaw.

3. Rebuilding trust with yourself. When you consistently show up for your own needs, you teach your nervous system: I am safe. I don’t have to chase or cling to be worthy.

4. Practicing secure relationships. Healing often happens in connection. This might be with a partner, friend, or therapist who is consistent, safe, and emotionally available.

A Gentle Reminder

Your desire for closeness is not a weakness. It’s a reflection of your humanity. You were wired for connection, and your needs for love, attention, and care are not too much.

Healing anxious attachment doesn’t mean you’ll stop wanting connection. It means you’ll learn how to want it without fear running the show.

Try This Reflection Exercise

Grab a journal or notes app, and take a few quiet minutes to reflect:

1. Think of a recent time you felt anxious in a relationship. Write down what was happening, and what you told yourself about it.

2. Ask: What did my younger self learn about love that might still be showing up here?

3. Then, write a short, compassionate reminder you wish you’d heard back then. For example: “It’s okay to want closeness. Needing love does not make me a burden.”

Keep this reminder somewhere you can return to when that fear of being “too much” starts to creep in.

Let’s Work on This Together

If you see yourself in these patterns and you’re ready to begin untangling them, you don’t have to do it alone. In therapy, I help adults understand their attachment wounds, calm the fear of abandonment, and build healthier, more secure ways of relating both with others and with themselves. 📞 Let’s connect for a free 20-minute consultation call. Click HERE to schedule, and we’ll talk about what you’ve been carrying and how we can begin making space for the full, authentic you.

I specialize in helping adults untangle complex relational dynamics, reconnect with themselves, and build more grounded and authentic relationships—with others and with their own inner world. Click HERE to schedule for a free 20-minute consultation call, and we’ll talk about what you’ve been carrying and how we can start making space for the full, authentic you.