So, You Went to a Coldplay Concert… Now What?: Working with Infidelity in Couples Therapy

Imagine, you’re swaying to the music one minute and you’re a viral meme the next. I know what folks are saying: “Just play it off cool and nothing comes of it.” I don’t disagree. However, this whole incident is hitting on a taboo that so many of us have a lot of feelings about: infidelity. 

Infidelity is one of the most painful and destabilizing experiences a couple can face. When trust is shattered, it can feel like the very foundation of the relationship has been pulled out from under both partners. So many of us promise ourselves and our partners that the relationship is over if infidelity ever occurs. The data tells us that this is not the case as much as we think it would be. 

As a couples therapist, it isn’t my job to help couples “get over” infidelity, point fingers, or assign blame. My role is in helping elucidate the system of the relationship that made an affair a possibility in the first place. Then, we explore what makes sense in the way of moving forward. Finally, we repair and move forward. Let me be clear, the involved partner (fancy term for “the one at the Coldplay concert”) ultimately made a decision to violate the relationship agreement, full stop. No one is getting off the hook.

In light of the cultural zeitgeist, I wanted to share some thoughts about how affairs occur and what we do in therapy that is focused on affair recovery. 

How Affairs Happen: A Systems and Feminist Perspective

Infidelity often gets reduced to simple explanations: lack of self-control, selfishness, or emotional immaturity. But those narratives miss the mark. From a systems perspective, affairs are rarely about just one person or one moment. Instead, they often reflect a breakdown—or a long-ignored wound—in the relational system.

We ask questions like:

• What roles do both partners play in how emotional needs are communicated and received?

• What unspoken rules govern the couple's intimacy, power, and conflict?

• What stressors—children, work, trauma histories, family of origin dynamics, cultural expectations—are shaping the relational dynamics?

  
  

From a feminist lens, we also examine how gender roles, power imbalances, and societal narratives about sexuality, marriage, and worthiness shape the context in which affairs occur. For example:

• A woman socialized to always prioritize her partner’s needs may suppress her own, leading to silent resentment or emotional disconnection.

• A man raised to equate worth with performance may seek affirmation outside the relationship when feeling inadequate or invisible at home.

• Queer and non-monogamous couples often navigate unique challenges related to visibility, safety, and internalized stigma that can show up in complex ways.

  
  

This isn’t about excusing the betrayal; it’s about understanding it fully so that meaningful repair can take place.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust isn’t rebuilt through apologies. Talk is cheap. Don’t talk about it, be about it. There are a thousand ways we say this. 

Trust is rebuilt through transparency, consistency, and emotional presence over time. In therapy, we often begin with:

• Establishing safety and containment—creating space for both partners to share their pain and questions without escalation or shame.

• Developing agreements around communication, access to information, and boundaries to stabilize the relationship.

• Helping the partner who had the affair take full accountability—not just for the act, but for the emotional ripple effect it caused.

  
  

The betrayed partner may need to revisit the story many times. That’s okay. Healing isn’t linear, and trust is rebuilt through repetition and reliability, not perfection.

Developing New Skills

Recovery also requires that the couple build new ways of relating. This often means:

• Learning how to express emotional needs more clearly and vulnerably.

• Understanding and honoring each other’s attachment styles and relational wounds.

• Building tolerance for discomfort and difference without resorting to defensiveness, avoidance, or escalation.

  
  

Many couples realize they never actually had the skills to be emotionally intimate or sexually connected in the way they both longed for. With the support of a therapist who can hold space for the complexity, the affair becomes the painful wake-up call to finally learn those skills.

Moving Forward

This is the part every couple I see comes in asking about: how and when will we be ready to move forward? Not every couple chooses to stay together after infidelity—but many do. And those who do often describe a new relationship emerging from the ashes of the old one; a relationship built on more honest communication, greater emotional depth, and a clearer sense of shared values.

One thing is for sure: the old relationship is over. It’s usually time to reimagine a relationship for the future. Nothing will be “affair-proof,” but at least it will be clearer to each partner how they got into a place where an affair happened. 

When couples are ready to move forward they are answering these questions: 

• What is the “why” of the relationship? Why a partner? Why have (or not have) children? What does the future look like with this person? 

• Do they want to reimagine monogamy or explore ethical non-monogamy?

• Do they need to renegotiate domestic labor, parenting roles, financial responsibilities, or emotional labor in the relationship?

• How can each partner take more ownership of their individual growth while staying connected as a team?

  
  

Infidelity is a rupture, and it can also be a turning point. With intention, care, and a willingness to sit in the messiness couples can emerge stronger, more connected, and more fully themselves.

So, if you got caught cheating on the kiss cam or by more conventional means, take a minute and consider how you’d like to move forward. How would you like to hold yourself accountable and acknowledge that deception isn’t the way out? Consider therapy… really strongly consider it as a way to move towards more honesty, more freedom, and actually a better relationship. 

B'well Counseling Services is a non-pathologizing practice specializing in working with infidelity, relationship dynamics, and a whole host of other concerns for individuals, couples, and families. If you’re looking for an in-person therapist in Towson or a virtual therapist in Maryland, Florida, or New Jersey, reach out to us today via our website or follow us in Instagram at @bwellbmore.

Jake’s work is centered around helping individuals and couples move from surviving to thriving. He works with adolescents and adults around identity development, LGBTQIA+ issues, and relationship and sexual concerns. He works with couples to ramp up intimate connections and heal from problematic patterns. You can learn more about Jake and his approach to therapy on our website. To schedule a 15 minute consult with Jake to see if he is a good fit for you, click this link.