Sex and Money: That Which You Should Have but Not Talk About

"Sex is like money, only too much is enough" - John Updike

In our culture, few topics are as fraught with tension, shame, and secrecy as sex and money. We are expected to have both in some form—a fulfilling sex life and financial stability—yet open discussions about them are often met with discomfort or even outright condemnation. From the messages embedded in religious teachings to societal norms that discourage transparency, the barriers to talking about sex and money are deeply ingrained in most of us. But why? And more importantly, how can we break free from these constraints to cultivate healthier, more informed, and more fulfilling relationships with both sex and money?

The Role of Shame and Secrecy

Shame is one of the most powerful emotions shaping our relationship with sex and money. For many, the first lessons about these topics are cloaked in secrecy, often framed as things to be feared or avoided. Whether it’s being told as a child that discussions about money are inappropriate or receiving moral warnings about the dangers of premarital sex, pornography, or teen prgnancy, these messages reinforce the idea that there is something inherently wrong with talking about them. So many times the conversation ends with, “that’s inappropriate” or “good girls/boys don’t do that” so what you expect someone to take away from that conversation?!

Secrecy compounds this shame. People feel they must navigate their sexual identities and financial realities in isolation, often leading to confusion, poor decision-making, and unnecessary suffering. For example, many individuals enter adulthood without fundamental financial literacy skills, simply because talking about salaries, debt, and budgeting was considered taboo in their families or friend groups. Similarly, a lack of open discussions about sex can lead to misinformation, unhealthy relationships, and difficulty advocating for one’s own desires and boundaries. If social media is our financial education and pornography is our sex education, we are bound to end up in stuck places. 

The Impact of Religious Teachings

Religious teachings play a significant role in shaping attitudes toward sex and money. While religious traditions can offer profound wisdom and guidance for many, they have also historically contributed to the stigmatization of these topics.

In many faith traditions, sex has been closely tied to morality, with strict rules governing when, how, and with whom it is acceptable. Messages of purity, virginity, and sinfulness have created a sense of fear and shame around healthy sexual curiosity, exploration, and expression. Many people, especially cis-women, grow up believing that their worth is tied to their sexual behavior, leading to repression, anxiety, and difficulty experiencing pleasure without guilt. Further, cis-men are taught that their sexuality is superior which leads to unfulfilling relationships as well, that’s a whole additional blog post! It goes without saying that trans people, LGB identifying folks, and those engaging in non-monogomous relationships are often outright condemned. 

Similarly, religious perspectives on money can be complex. Some teachings emphasize modesty and warn against greed, leading people to feel guilty about accumulating wealth. Others promote the idea that financial success is a sign of divine favor, fostering unhealthy comparisons and a sense of failure for those who struggle financially. These conflicting messages can leave individuals feeling lost when it comes to their financial aspirations and ethical considerations about money. The complications abound when it comes to how folks are ‘supposed’ to spend, earn, give, etc. within the confines of their religious beliefs.

The Consequences in Relationships

When sex and money are off-limits topics, the effects ripple into relationships. Couples struggle with financial conflicts, often not realizing that their differing money habits stem from unspoken fears and learned patterns from their upbringing. One partner may feel ashamed of their debt and hide it, while the other might feel insecure about their earning potential, leading to resentment and secrecy. Without open discussions, financial stress can become a leading cause of conflict and even divorce.

Similarly, issues around sex can lead to misunderstandings, unmet needs, and emotional distance. Partners may hesitate to share their desires for fear of judgment, or they may struggle with mismatched libidos without a framework for healthy communication. When sex is only discussed in the context of problems rather than as a normal, evolving part of a relationship, it becomes difficult to cultivate intimacy and satisfaction.

Destigmatizing the Conversation

To foster healthier relationships with sex and money, we need to break the silence and normalize conversations about these topics. This starts with education, curiosity, and self-compassion.

1. Education and Financial/Sexual Literacy: Many of the struggles surrounding sex and money stem from a lack of knowledge. Just as we learn basic math and reading skills, we should also be taught financial literacy and sexual health. I can, and will, continue to push for wide-scale age-appropraite comprehensive sexuality and financial education as a part of the education system in America. This is of course under attack in the current climate. IN THE MEANTIME, we can change the narratives with our own children, families, friends. Teach kids about money. Teach kids about sex. They can handle it and will be safer, healthier, and better adjusted because of this!

2. Curiosity Instead of Judgment: Approaching these topics with curiosity rather than shame allows us to explore our own beliefs, values, and desires. Asking ourselves questions like, "Where did I learn my attitudes about money?" or "How do I feel about my own sexual expression?" helps uncover unconscious biases and opens the door to growth.

3. Open Conversations in Relationships: Couples can benefit immensely from discussing sex and money openly and without judgment. Scheduling financial check-ins, setting shared goals, and talking about spending habits can help build trust. Likewise, conversations about sexual desires, interests, and boundaries can deepen intimacy and prevent resentment from festering. I know this is all uncomfortable, but doing it more will make it feel less awkward over time.

4. Challenging Cultural Norms: The more we push back against the idea that sex and money are inherently shameful, the more we create space for open and honest dialogue. This means advocating for comprehensive sex education, encouraging financial transparency in professional settings, and supporting media that portrays diverse and healthy expressions of sexuality and wealth.

5. Seek Professional Input: Sometimes we just need someone who does this work for a living to step in. 

   1. Seek out a financial advisor who fits your needs. Some advisors will work for an hourly fee while others might manage your money for a percentage of what they help you make. Even still, some might give you free advice and offer to sell you products like life insurance, disability insurance, etc. Each of these scenarios might work better or worse for you depending on your circumstances. 

   2. Talking about your own sense of sexuality, your sexual relationship(s), or challenges you have had with sex might be best done with a therapist specializing in this area. You might seek out an experienced couples therapist with training in this area or a sex therapist.

      
      

Embracing a Healthier Perspective

Rather than viewing sex and money as taboo, we can move to recognizing them as essential parts of human experience that deserve attention, understanding, and respect. It’s okay to need help in these areas, whether that means seeking financial counseling, talking to a therapist about sexual concerns, or simply opening up the conversations with trusted friends or family.

By dismantling the secrecy and shame surrounding sex and money, we can move toward a culture where people feel empowered to learn, grow, and build fulfilling lives. After all, the healthiest relationships—with ourselves, our partners, and our communities—are built on honesty, education, and open-hearted conversations. Let’s start having them.

If you're looking for an in person therapist in Towson, Maryland or a virtual therapist in Maryland, New Jersey, or Florida, B'well Counseling offers therapy for individuals, families, and couples. We specialize in working with clients who value curiosity and open mindedness. Our clients want to live more values aligned lives as they balance the realities of our evolving world with an earnest desire to be well. Schedule a consult with your new therapist today!